A candle at its last moments...

4:07pm, the time where most normal people would have been busy with their respective activities... What am I doing then? In this moment of silence where I can only hear the clock ticking and the sound of my own heartbeat. Peering out the tinted window between the narrow opening of the greenish-grey floral curtains, I could see the trees dancing in breeze as if they were there to cheer me up. Once again, the blue sky had been taken over by dark clouds and soon the rain would fall. On the spur of the moment, I had time to reflect on my day. What had I done today? To be honest nothing productive...

My memories of the past, the moments of joy and anguish came back to me like a tornado..... BANG!! I suddenly found myself thinking back of my sad school life in form 4... The painess I had is like an arrow piercing through my heart. My once colourful world had now turn grey and lifeless.

The painful moments in 2009:

1. Being accused by a teacher.
2. Not given even the slightest recognition and appreciation from somebody after sacrifising so much for something.
3. Had heated arguments with friends because of some complicated misunderstandings.
4. Poor time management that causes me for being so lethargic all the time.
5. Fooled by close friends in a video clip. Unbelievable!?
6. Insulted by a friend for failing to do well in my add maths paper during monthly test. ( As u know my mum is an add maths teacher.)
7. Missing my beloved when she's away for weeks....( to somewhere)
8. Felt extremely down when I was unable to celebrate my loved one's birthday with her and failed to be by her side. Instead she had a memorable one somewhere with others... Am i being jealous??
9. Juggle too much between studies and activities.
10. Loss respects from school teachers mainly due to my long time absence in class and often hand in homework late (with reasons).
11. Disappoint my mum when there's complaints from teachers about me in staff room, be it the small matters.. I wil get screwed up after that k?!
12. Being 'emo' too much in front of my close friends. They got annoyed and obviously very irritated.
13. Loss my place in representing the school badminton team in district level competition even after playing impressively in my game in front of teacher, mainly because of discrimination.
14. Scolded by dad unnecessarily at times and family isn't supportive enough.
15. Unable to excel in studies and co-curricular activities. Fail to live up the expectations on me. After putting much effort, yet i still find myself at the losing end....
16. Hate being compared to others. ( I'm who I am, I don't change myself to accomodate others.)
17. Love exists but not in me.
18. Had a serious conflict with my good friend.
19. Accused of being fake and not sincere.
20. Never plays a good role as a leader. A good-for-nothing.


What've I done to deserve such fate? Things that I've been believing all this while have not stood me in good stead. In times of adversity I've been strong and unwavered in my belief that this is just part and parcel of life and I should just knuckle up and soak it up...it seems I'm very close to breaking down. No matter how brave a face I put up in front of people and act like I'm very tough but the naked truth is that the countless obstacle I faced had not toughen me up. It has just weakened my resolve...I hate to admit that I'm fragile but this is what I am now. Feeling totally defeated and discouraged that I had screwed up again!!

Silent tears started rolling down my cheeks unstoppably....................................... How I wished the pouring rain would wash my tears away. Only if I become a memory..........be it one day....